The astronaut (original content)

A mere glimpse of your face
sends me to the moon where
I lose oxygen and
crash down to earth with
a heartache and
the realization that your not mine.



To you.

Optimist (We Are Not For Them) - P.O.S.

I pick a lot of locks
rock a lot of shows
build with the moms
hang with the broken crow
been hurtin the same heart since i was like two
i use sarcasm freely
bark at the greedy
write what feeds
shy from the seedy
im bold in approach
so rely on the hope
that the average emcees
can't fuck with a sound like me
i never been down wit the king
it's never something i wanted to be
never better than the work
then the toil and the reep
have to work for the want
not to suffer for the needs
nothin's tougher than the
dreams and good sleep
tryin to teach my son how to reach
damn right
cuz it gets a little darker every night
and if the rent goes up
they gonna cut out the

dead ends to chase
feelings to fake
new hearts to break
amends to make
they all so
afraid of safe
and need their space
but huggin that crowd when we shake with the quake an uh
times like this are uh

break their stride
cuz we break or miss
they huggin that pride like its all there is
we make our own and if we dont feel it
then we are not for them
and thats cool
I made this beat for Alegra Oxboro
she showed me how to do the thing with the cups
I wrote the verse on a triple double Tuesday
writing in the van in the back lot
I never made it in
never really can tell friend these days
telephone dont sleep some days
someday ima be peaceful again
til then keep the speech to a min
shed a little skin
ima bet it all and win
ima set it off and run
ima kill it til its dead
ima do it til it..aint fun
and the words don't come
then i'm gonna find another hobby
probably find love
probably find trust
eighty-one young with a little bit of rust
queen interior
minnesota plates
money in the bank
with a lot you to thank
relate to the

dead ends to chase
feelings to fake
new hearts to break
amends to make
they all so
afraid of safe
and need their space but
huggin that crowd when we shake wit the quake and uh

up for whatever
how are you

we break their stride cuz we break or miss
they huggin that pride like its all there is
we make our own and if we dont feel it
then we are not for them we call a riot

dead ends to chase
feelings to fake
new hearts to break
amends to make
they all so
afraid of safe
and need their space but
huggin that crowd when we shake and the quake and uh

dead ends to chase
feelings to fake
new hearts to break
amends to make
they all so
afraid of safe
and need their space but
huggin that crowd when shake
that's it

thoughts. (original with dedication)

i havent felt a genuine connection to someone like you in quite some time. i put a lot of strain on you with the things that i say. i understand and apologize. sometimes though, people genuinely do care, without an alternative agenda, or some underhanded bullshit. i got no game, which means there is no game for me to win, and its true. im losing this. this is for you and you alone. sometimes people genuinely do care, love and accept you, for you, who you are, the way you are, with no hidden agenda. its rare but this is how i feel. you're amazing (doubt youll ever read it, but i think youll know who you are if you read this) i wish i could explore what could be with you.



Are You There? (Anathema)

Are you there?
is it wonderful to know
all the ghosts...
all the ghosts...
freak my selfish out
my mind is happy
need to learn to let it go
I know you'd do no harm to me

but since you've been gone I've been lost inside
tried and failed as we walked by the riverside
and I wish you could see the love in her eyes
the best friend that eluded you lost in time
burned alive in the heat of a grieving mind

but what can I say now?
it couldn't be more wrong
cos there's no one there
unmistakably lost and without a care
did we lose all the love that we could have shared
and its wearing me down
and its turning me round
and I can't find a way
now to find it out
where are you when I need you...

are you there?

The Noose. (song courtesy of a.p.c.)

So glad to see you well, overcome them
Completely silent now
With heaven's help
You've cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
To the dead
To the dead

Recall the deeds as if they're all
Someone else's
Atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn
Before us all
So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
To the dead
To the dead

With your halo slippin' down
Your halo slippin'
Your halo slippin' down
Your halo slippin' down

Your halo slippin' down
(I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends)
[repeated]

Your halo slippin' down
Your halo's slippin' down to choke you now

The Saddest Song (courtesy of morphine)

On my first day back my first day back in town
My first day my first day back in town
The clouds up above they were humming our song
Humming humming our song
My biggest fear is if I let you go
You'll come and get me in my sleep
My biggest fear is if I let you go
You'll come and get me in my sleep
Come and get me
I set my course sailed away from shore
Steady steady as she goes
I crash in the night two worlds collide
But when two worlds collide no one survives no one survives and
The reddest of reds the bluest of blues
The saddest of songs I'll sing for you and
My biggest fear is if I let you go
You'll come and get me in my sleep
My biggest fear is if I let you go
You'll come and get me in my sleep
Come and get me come and get me in my sleep

stressin.

havent written here for a while, figured id do so to get a few things off my chest... i am really worried about my pending background check... i have a lot of debt right now, eye surgery, my car just decided it needed a new transmission... regretfully i dont have the cash on hand to cover these things... rent, food, utilities... bleh... i really gotta get my debt taken care of

no lies

have you ever bought an album you just know is going to be incredible? its a rare occasion for me, however i got lucky and picked one up yesterday, Mastodon's Crack the Skye... amazing... the first song, oblivion, i just can't get past, amazing... i guess, what im saying in my little convoluted, fucked up way, is that if i know nothing else, i love music and am thankful for others contributions to my life

soul food.

questions, thoughts, things unknown
rolling around the confines of my mind,
what will time and my heart find?

Angels Walk Among Us (courtesy of anathema)

Only you can heal inside,
Only you can heal your life

It must have been an angel
Who counted out the time
Yes it must have been an angel
Who raised a knowing smile
And I just couldn't reach you
No matter how I tried
No I just couldn't reach you
So instead I ran to hide

Only you can heal inside,
Only you can heal your life

Mother can you hear me?
Can you tell me, are you there?
Father can you help me?
Cos I know that you care
And I don't have to fight it anymore
For all those years I was dreaming
And I don't have to worry anymore
Cos I found my belief in...
Mother can you hear me?
Can you tell me are you there?
Father can you help me?
Cos I know that you care

Only you can heal inside,
Only you can heal your life

gravity (song courtesy of a.p.c.)

Lost again, broken and weary
Unable to find my way
Tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
Unable to just let this go

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me,
Lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live...

I fell again, like a baby
Unable to stand on my own
Tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
Unable to just let this go

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me
Lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live...
I choose to live...
I choose to live...

Catch me, heal me
Lift me back up to the sun
Help me survive the bottom

Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down
Another needy hole
Please release me...

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me
Lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live...
I choose to live...

right in two...

Angels on the sideline,
Puzzled and amused.
Why did Father give these humans free will?
Now they're all confused.

Don't these talking monkeys know that Eden has enough to go around?
Plenty in this holy garden, silly monkeys
Where there's one you're bound to divide it right in two.

Angels on the sideline,
Baffled and confused.
Father blessed them all with reason,
And this is what they choose?

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys.
Give them thumbs, they forge a blade,
And where there's one they're bound to divide it right in two.

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys.
Give them thumbs, they make a club to beat their brother down.
How they've survived so misguided is a mystery.
Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability
To lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here.

Gotta divide it all right in two.

Fight till they die over sun, over sky,
They fight till they die over sea, over air,
They fight till they die over blood, over love,
They fight till they die over words, polarizing.

Angels on the sideline again,
Benched along with patience and reason.
Angels on the sideline again,
Wondering where this tug of war will end.

Gotta divide it all right in two.

right where it belongs.

See the animal in it's cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you wanted to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you really are alone
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you wanted to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

Misery...

is too self absorbed to want much company...

spinning.

Was it loneliness that brought you here
Broken and weak
Was it tiredness that made you sleep
Have you lost your will to speak
Was the earth spinning round
Were you falling through the ground
As the world came tumbling down
You prayed to God what have we done

Free me from these chains I need to change my way
Heal these broken wings I need to fly far away, far away, far away

Was it emptiness that made you weep
No more secrets to keep
Was it bitterness that gave you time
To forgive your sins
Was the earth spinning round
Were you falling through the ground
As the world came tumbling down
You prayed to God what have we done

Free me from these chains I need to change my way
Heal these broken wings I need to fly far away
Free me from these thoughts long forgotten down below
Take these angel's words give them life to carry on, carry on, carry on
Free me from these chains...

destiny.

I lie awake
I've gone to ground
I'm watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There's only enough for one in this
Lonely hotel suite

The journey's long
And it feels so bad
I'm thinking back to the last day we had.
Old moon fades into the new

hurt.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

on point.

''a darkness carried in the heart cannot be cured by moving the body from one place to another''

morphine.

I'm free now to direct a movie
sing a song, or write a book about yours truly
how I'm so interesting, I'm so great
I'm really just a fuckup and it's such a waste
to burn down these walls around me
flexing like a heartbeat
we don't like to speak
don't talk to me for about a week
I'm sorry, it just hurts to explain
there's something going on that makes my guts ache

I got guilt, I got fear, I got regret
I'm just a panic-stricken waste I'm such a jerk
I was honest, I swear
the last thing I want to do
honest, I swear
the last thing I want to do
is ever cause you pain

I'm free now
free to look out the window
free to live my story
free to sing along

I'm free now to direct a movie
sing a song, or write a book about yours truly
how I'm so interesting, I'm so great
but I'm really just a fuckup, it's such a waste
to burn down these walls around me
flexing like a heartbeat
we don't like to speak
don't talk to me for about a week
I'm sorry, it just hurts to explain
there's something going on that makes my guts ache inside

I got guilt, I got fear, I got regret
I'm just a panic-stricken waste I'm such a jerk
I was honest, I swear
the last thing I want to do
honest, I swear
the last thing I want to do
is ever cause you pain

nobody fucking understands.

You know, it's like, ah, you know,
it's just a, it's just a, it's just a different thing,
you know, it's just, uh, it, because, you know, it's like, you know,
there's no real way you can put your finger on what that is,
you know, because it, whatever it is, you know,
some things we have to pass over, you know the,
you know it's like, you know it's just, um,
but that, that's the deal....

Everyday I wake up feeling this way
I take it downtown
With all the action going down
Stike your match, strike your match
Cook it up

I'm feeling so sick
I feel so fucking sick
On the bathroom floor

Gotta get out and get right
Hustling little girls
Cheating little boys
Yeah

Gotta get out
Gotta get out and get right
Gotta get out
I gotta get out no more
No more, no more
I gotta fuck

I'm feeling so sick
I'm feeling so sick
On the bathroom floor
I'm feeling so sick
No more

Yeah

I'm feeling so sick
I feel so sick
No more





i washed my sheets today. your smell is gone, but your memory lingers. nobody fucking understands. i go to bed thinking, spend my nights dreaming, and wake up to my heart and soul being eaten. nobody fucking understands.

agreed.

this is not to be taken seriously, this is not to be read as opinions. it is to be read as poetry. its obvious that i am on the educated level of about 10th grade in high school. its obvious that these words were not thought out or even re-read. this writing style is what i like to call thru the perspective of a 10th grader, her/his attempt at showing that no matter what level of intelligence one is on we all question love and lack of love and fear of love. its good to question authority and fight it just to make things a bit less boring, but ive always reverted back to the conclusion that man is not redeemable and words that don't necessarily have their expected meaning can be used descriptively in a sentance as art. true english is so fucking boring. and this little pit-stop we call life, that we so seriously worry about is nothing but a small, over the weekend jail sentance, compared to what will come with death. life isn't nearly as sacred as the appreciation of passion.


-kurt cobain

half mast.

passive we stare down these chequered halls. massive yet spare sound these measured walls. wanting is more than life will allow. the colors they fly at half mast from the now.

early frost arrives, winter heralds near. blood moon to rise, permonitions clear.

precious the lives that are uncaringly stole. treacherous minds, just brains without souls. greed is the core of their sheltered ideals. the flag it unfurls at half mast o'er fields.

earthly wind divides, goddess heralds near. early frost arrives, destiny is clear.

we will overcome.
you will overcome.
love will overcome.

shooting stars.

Just before I fall asleep and when I'm really bored I... Lay down and think for a while until I fall into a semi-hypnotic state of sub-consciousness, some call it daydreaming, some call it just fucking spacing out. But I feel like I'm not here and it doesn't matter because I'm sick of putting myself in boring situations and conversations, just everday basic sitcom happenings, some call it thinking but when I'm in this particular state of mind I forget to think and it becomes strictly observatory. I notice things very sensitively like if I focus really hard I can see small transparent blotchea of debris on the outer shell of my eyes. (or the conjuctiva). and can only dollit as my eye moves downward. Its like watching film footage of amoeba or jelly like plankton under a microscope. And when I close my eyes and look up to the sun the bright orange redness radiates an intense picture of blood cells or what I think are blood cells. And they are moving very rapidly and again I can only focus for so long before my eyes strain and I have to look away from the sun into a pillow and rub my eyes hard then I see (some call them stars) tiny spheres of sparkling light which only stay for a second then as my eyes focus again amongst the water or tears from running I open then look up to the sky away from the sun and forget about stupid fucking little squiggly things moving on the outer layer of my eyes or the close up blood cells in my eye lids and I stare at the sky with perrifial vision and not trying but just happening to make out all kinds of faces objects statues in the clouds and I can do the same with wood grain of the panelling on my walls. Once I saw Jesus on a tortilla shell.

Uncertainty like opening your eyes wide in the dark then closing them hard thn open and blinded by the sparkling silver dots created from pressure on the corneas, squint, roll, focus then your blind again but at least you saw light somehow. maybe the light was stored in the sockets or held in the iris or clung to the tips of all the nerves and veins. then your eyes are close again and an artificial light appears before the eyelids, probably just a light bulb or a blowtorch! Jesus its hot! My lashes and brows are curling up and melting emitting the worst smell of burnt hair and thru the red transparency of the light (in my eyelids) I can see a close up view of bloodcells move as I move my eyes back and forth like footage of a documentary of amoeba and plankton jelly like see thru life forms moving man they must be small I can't feel them my eyes must be able to see things MORE clearly than I had expected its like a microscope but it doesn't matter anymore cause they set me on fire now yep I'm sure of it I'm on fire god damn it.

-Kurt Cobain

Will you?

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?

I can't help but feel

That I fucked up. I wouldn't be here if I didn't say what I said. If I hadn't acted the way I did. I wish I could take it back. I am extremely pissed at myself about all of this because as they say, hindsight is 20/20... My hindsight is clear as a fuckin bell, especially on this particular issue. Me and my stupid fuckin brain/mouth/me.

I am.

Flavor of the fuckin month. Do not be so foolish as to assume this is for or about you. Its for me. I do not comprehend love, and will be the first to admit that. I do not comprehend the 'spark' or the 'feeling.' I do not understand those who think love or even strong feelings occur quickly or painlessly.

Love, as I've lived it, breathed it, felt it, and enjoyed it, is a long arduous process, not immediate or quick, or even necessarily painless and enjoyable. Love is dirty. Love is messy. Love takes time. I find myself writing yet another of these, knowing that this possibility has been snuffed short yet again, life squeezed from it. Why are people so scared of getting hurt so fickle and quick to harm others?

I have one time in my life, intentionally left another human being, for nothing short of extreme glaring issues with this person and her personality. I have, and always will give anyone else the benefit of the doubt, and every possible opportunity to show me what could be. You can't learn that person well enough over course of a month to know if they're for you or not. It doesn't happen. You cannot remain closed off to another individual and be surprised that you do not feel strongly for them.

How can you possibly love someone who doesnt know you? How can someone who doesn't know you possibly love you? It will not happen, and it will never work. You sometimes must give someone the benefit of the doubt and take it on blind faith that something beautiful can result. Had I backed away from two people I had zero in common with, I would have missed on countless incredible experiences, and been cheated of many beautiful moments, memories and experiences. Give someone the benefit of the doubt. Love takes time, they might surprise you.

For two incredible friends

This is for two extraordinary people who've been there for me, without question, unwavering in their loyalty, their support, and faith in me as a person. i have known both of you for quite a while, and we have been through a lot together, collectively and otherwise. Never has judgement been passed, never have my issues, questions or fears fallen on deaf ears. These two have shared memories, great and small, and will always hold a place in my heart. I sincerely hope they will be a part of my life until the day I die, and I very much wish them to be the extra 'aunt and uncle' of my kids, and I the 'crazy uncle who really doesn't belong to the family but is anyway' to theirs... I hope very much, for many more memories, new years, birthdays, Christmases, and good times to share with the both of you... Kelsey, Mike, I wish you both the best of luck, I love you guys, individually and together... You are amazing and two of my closest friends. Thank you for everything.

For two incredible friends

This is for two extraordinary people who've been there for me, without question, unwavering in their loyalty, their support, and faith in me as a person. i have known both of you for quite a while, and we have been through a lot together, collectively and otherwise. Never has judgement been passed, never have my issues, questions or fears fallen on deaf ears. These two have shared memories, great and small, and will always hold a place in my heart. I sincerely hope they will be a part of my life until the day I die, and I very much wish them to be the extra 'aunt and uncle' of my kids, and I the 'crazy uncle who really doesn't belong to the family but is anyway' to theirs... I hope very much, for many more memories, new years, birthdays, Christmases, and good times to share with the both of you... Kelsey, Mike, I wish you both the best of luck, I love you guys, individually and together... You are amazing and two of my closest friends. Thank you for everything.

Hey!!

YOU!!! IN READERLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







IM IN A GOOD GODDAMN MOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love it.

Run through forests on a hot Summer day
Trying to break down walls of numbing pain

Give me the freedom to destroy
Give me radioactive toy

Taste the water from a stream of running death
Eat the apple and cough a dying breath

Feel the sun burning through your black skin
Pour me into a hole, inform my next of kin

Run through graveyards on a dusty Winter day
Spit the dirt out and try to say...

TOOL

LETS GET IT ROLLIN!!!

Just applied for border patrol... test is mid march... time to start studying... gonna begin palm springs pd employment fiesta/packet as well... hopefully all of the dullness that only the obscenely huge pile of paperwork that each of these applications involves will one day be naught but a memory!!! wish me luck suckas!!



:aside: GOD I FUCKIN LOVE TOOL :end aside:

Good Mood

Don't fake your life - inhale it
And then you'll know yourself
The change in you is Goddamn Electric
Don't waste your time, embrace it
And then you'll know yourself
The change that is Goddamn Electric will focus
The Mind's Eye...

Oh So True

The way I see it
Isn't necessarily
The way you see it
Or the way it is
Or ought to be
What's more important
Is that we're all
Looking for it
And a way to see it

Sleep deprived.

I've always excelled at
Clinging to nothing
Whilst hoping for something
Stupidly dreaming
About why my hearts beating

Don't place too much weight on
Frail words or it'll break them
The slightest sound
Near hibernating dreams
Is all it takes to wake them

From slumbers deeper
Then deaths cold embrace
Whence reality hits
It sends tears down my face

Love, Yourself.

Wherever you be,
Wherever you may,
Seek the truth,
Strive for the beautiful,
Achieve the good.

Gotta Love Tool.

A groan of tedium escapes me, startling the fearful.
Is this a test?
It has to be. Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality,
this paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here, giving blood, keeping faith. And I'm still right here.
But I'm still right here, giving blood, keeping faith. And I'm still right here.

I'm gonna wait it out

If there were no rewards to reap,
loving embrace to see me through,
this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I'm gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal,
The damaged and broken met along,
this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

-And I still may. And I still may.-

Be patient.

I must keep reminding myself of this...
If there were no rewards to reap,
loving embrace to see me through,
this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now. ...
And I still may.
And I...

Gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.