My Walk Out of Hell Part 2

Just walk. Walk. Hesitation is not an option. One foot after the other, yard by yard, foot by foot, inch by inch. Move forward. Always move forward. Head up, eyes open. What though does it mean to have open eyes? Those windows to the soul, receptors of all things visual. So then, how is it possible that I've been so blind while walking through life eyes wide open? My soul, gazing through open windows, reflecting upon my true inner self sees something slightly mystiftying. Why do I see myself as such an evil person? Why do I so easily and willingly condemn myself? This eighth circle I trudge through contains those willingly treacherous... I am not so. Occasionally a bit of a jerk, sure, but why do I force myself to dwell here? Why do I so intently punish myself as someone who doesn't care about others? I must come to terms with the fact that I am a compassionate and caring human being. That occasionally means putting myself on the line, and occasionally taking risks for others. Moving forward. Always forward. Keep marching. That isn't a treacherous thing to do at all. Move forward, realize, understand, and move forward. I continue onward. More from my journey later.

My Walk Out Of Hell Part 1.

This, is the end result of several nights of painful self realization. I am just going to flow with this writing, and eventually, i hope to publish some of these vanity press style and hand a few copies out to close friends who have helped with all of this madness... Anyways, here we go:

Nine circles create the pit of self propagated hell i have been living. Despair, agony, depression, hatred, self loathing, the list is a long one. where do i begin? where do i go from here? my body begins the trek, pleading, urging, prodding and begging my soul to walk those charred, crumbling steps out of this self created hell. satan, sits in the very bottom. a long time friend. a long time foe. he doesnt seem too terribly thrilled about me leaving. strong claws, grip, in an ironically icy grasp, my arm. for all the heat in this place, that bastards got a cold grip. it makes sense though, if you think about it, for he is the one truly heartless. for if i was truly heartless myself, then i as well would be so cold. i break away. i need this in my existence no longer. i must free myself of this demon, and the many others blocking my path to the gate. I trudge across this, lowest circle of hell... it is easy to walk around... i have even, temporarily removed myself from this lowest pit, only to find myself in one of the higher ones... to hit a bump and slide back down. how now, do i reach the gate, open it and walk out into the light? i start the ascent.


:aside: and a quote "misery is too self absorbed to want much company" :end aside:

Pulled Under at 2000 Meters a Second

Just freedom is only a hallucination
That waits at the edge of the distant horizon
And we are all strangers in global illusion
Wanting and needing impossible heaven

Chasing the dream as they swim out to sea
The mirage ahead says that they can be free
Become lost in delusion drowning their reason
Swept on by the current of selfish ambition

Frightened ashamed and afraid of the blame
The questions are screaming the answers are hiding
The sickness is growing distracted condition
You can feel the disgust and smell the confusion

Lying insane getting soaked in the rain
Draining the sky of the guilt and the shame
The nightmare is coming the clouds are descending
Pulled under two thousand metres a second

Clawing at walls that just slip through my fingers
Darkness consuming collapsing and breaking
Distilled paranoia seeped into the walls
And filled in the cracks with the whispering calls

Shadows are forming take heed of the warnings
Creeping around at four in the morning
Lie to myself start a brand new beginning
But I'm losing my time in this fear of living

Freedom is only a hallucination
That waits at the edge of the places you go when you dream
Deep in the reason betrayal of feeling
The mistakes that I made tore my conscience apart at the seems

Freedom is only a hallucination
That waits at the edge of the places you go when you dream...

Freedom is only a hallucination
That waits at the edge of the places you go when you dream
Deep in the reason betrayal of feeling
The mistakes that I made tore my conscience apart at the seems

Freedom is only a hallucination
That waits at the edge of the places you go when you dream...

The night I almost died...

Last night in a drunken conversation I stumbled accross an old memory, of the night I damn near died. It was the best sleep I have ever had.

I Love This Song

The water pours its embracing arms around the stone
Decay drips from the unquiet void where the ice forms, where life ends
The stone is by the crimson flood, swallowed
The red tide beyond the ebon wound, contorted
My sacrifice bids farewell in this river of memory... a wave to end all time
Red birds escape from my wounds and return as falling snow
To sweep the landscape; a wind haunted, wings without bodies
The snow, the bitter snowfall
You wish to die in her pale arms, crystalline, to become an ode to silence
In the soul of a mountain of birds, fallen
The cascading pallor of ghostless feather
The snow has fallen and raised this white mountain on which you will die and fade away in silence

Tonight's Music

Who could call my name without regretting
Who could see beyond this my darkness
And for once save their own prayers
Who could mirror down just a little of their sun

How could this go so very wrong
That I must depend on darkness
Would anyone follow me further down
How could this go so very far that I need someone to say
What is wrong
Not with the world but with me

Who could call my name without regretting
Who could promise to never destroy me
Tonight my head is full of wishes
and everything I drink is full of her

And today...

I feel nothing... Simply drifting. Simply existing. Simply breathing.

Those destined to be remembered as great are often those most miserable while they live. Kurt Cobain, Salvador Dali, Elliot Smith, Edgar Allen Poe, Jaco Pastorius, Vincent Van Gogh, Judy Garland, Marilyn Monroe, etc. Those who paint with pigments created of their own blood, sweat or tears. Those tortured souls playing instruments made of their own heartstrings. Vocal chords ripped to shreds emitting pitiful wails or screams of woe. Those who are destined to be great, must suffer, and those who achieve such status without stepping on the backs of others are oft worse off, for they are the ones who sacrifice themselves selflessly to do for others. I have often felt that I am one of these... What picture will my blood paint? What music will my screams of torment create?

They Called Me Eeyore in Highschool...

"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is."
"And freezing."
"Is it?"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."


The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.


Nobody tells me. Nobody keeps me informed. I make it 17 days come Friday since anybody spoke to me.


After all, what are birthdays? Here today and gone tomorrow.
-Eeyore


"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards, splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side. Then he looked at himself in the water again.
"As I thought," he said. "No better from this side. But nobody minds. Nobody cares. Pathetic, that's what it is."


"Good morning, Eeyore," said Pooh.
"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning, which I doubt," said he.
"Why, what's the matter?"
"Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it."
"Can't all what?" said Pooh, rubbing his nose.
"Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush."


One can't complain. I have my friends. Someone spoke to me only yesterday.
-Eeyore

Truth. (original content)

You. Yes, You. This is for you. The collective you. Everyone of you. The owner of the broken heart, that's not mending within your ribcage. Your soul is laid bare on your sleeve. This is for you. Written, by one soul, for another soul in particular, and no other soul altogether. Surprisingly, the mind behind this is sober.

As someone accused, and often rightfully so, of enjoying wallowing in his own misery, depression, disdain, and self loathing I can say that it really isn't where I want to be. My heart is trapped in a pit, covered with the rotting remains of three distinct and very different heart breaks. So far, two people could hold their nose long enough to dig through one layer of filth only to uncover the next. At which point, both of these people covered up this pit, with themselves, and the heartbreak that ensued from that.

Rumor has it, or a couple close friends of mine, that are obligated to say this, that there is something incredible at the bottom of this pit. And as they are friends, they are not required to dig much, the thin silt hiding me from friends is easily swept away. It is beyond difficult for people I am in relationships with to see this. Why?

If I am so great to be with, take such great care of you, or make you feel good about yourself, how can I be so easily cast away? The main three have also said that they do not deserve me, I however feel differently. I am not forced to give these things to you, nor do I feel obligated. Whatever I give or have given you is absolutely by choice, whether you feel like you deserve it or not, I know that you do, and if there were any doubts in my heart or soul about such, I would not give these things to you.

These questions, these thoughts, how to think, what to feel, are constantly going round and round my mind. So heavy on my mind and heart are these things that in my normal, waking hours I am mogadon. Sleep, if it is to be found, usually offers a temporary break from these things, although getting to the world of dreams is nearly impossible for me, returning to my misery in the waking world is far more difficult. Sleep is one of few places where the minutes turn to hours and I'm not wearing a face full of pain. My pursuit of sleep has become something of an art, the occasional masterpiece showing up in the form of a full nights sleep.

Regretfully it has also become a far greater vice of mine then I had ever hoped possible, although it undoubtedly leads me closer to becoming a truly broken beyond repair excuse of a human being. Is it because of my age that I drink so much? There have been a couple nights where I flat out scared myself with how much I drank. Lately this has been taken to the absolute extreme, empty bottles littering my porch and counter top, full ones crowd my freezer, fridge and closet. Am I going to destroy myself?

Why do I need to feel this emotional pain manifest itself in a physical manner? Physical pain is endureable, to me, emotional pain is absolute agony. The weight of worlds crushes down on the pit of my heart. I almost got in a car accident yesterday, what were my final thoughts to be if I had? Not the life flashback, not my family, not my friends, it was unfortunately, the solace and utter peace of knowing that the pain I feel here, and now, will be nothing compared to that when my soul is burning in the pits of hell.

My advice to any treasure seekers, looking for this rumored golden heart of mine. Don't do it. I don't want to add the pain of something else to the pile. I don't want to toe the edge of what could be and watch you step back. I don't want to watch you wake up one morning and tell me that night that you don't see me as a part of your life anymore. I don't want to watch a freak accident become an incredible burden to both of us and self destruct what we have. Gold and silver are not worth destroying yourself for. I am a fools gold and I hold a fools hope. Do not waste your time on me.

You. Yes, You. This is for you. The collective you. Everyone of you. The owner of the broken heart, that's not mending within your ribcage. Your soul is laid bare on your sleeve. This is for you. Written, by one soul, for another soul in particular, and no other soul altogether. Surprisingly, the mind behind this is sober.

Original content

Awake.
Through windowblinds sunlight bled.
Haul your sorry ass out of bed.
From deep sleep dreaming of death.
That day we take our final breath,
Before laying pitiful thoughts, hopes and dreams to rest.
Though quietly sulking through all depth,
Of mind, body and soul alike,
A fragment of desire,
A piece of hope not drowned in the mire,
That minuscule fleck, the last piece causing my emotional wreck, reminds me of walking through dark hours together, maybe this is a temporary storm in the weather?
That batters, pounds and tries to take,
The last fragment of hope still
in my soul awake.
The future we shall never know,
our faith, in such to god we owe.
That broken fragment may one day grow,
From withered remains,
becoming whole again.

and here is the rest of my shit.

Empty bottle, empty soul,
Drink another drop to fill the hole,
Where did all the happiness go?

How much longer until you break me?
When will beautiful death come take me?

I run my hands through my hair,
Whoever said that life was fair?

These drunken flailings, they never fail me,
To provide some peace, a momentary release,

From my own worthless existance here.
A friend once told me depression fits me as a glove,
not to tight nor to snug,

A chokehold on the soul,
until its dead and cold.

until my body lies unbreathing and old,
forever shoveling dirt to fill this hole.

of my own grave, headstone depraved.
a faceless, nameless, rotted sack of shit.

i imagine it would be easier to quit.
maybe ill be ok when i sober up a bit.

More on the way.

Reverend reverend is this some conspiracy?
Crucified for no sins
An image beneath me
Whats within our plans for life
It all seems so unreal
I'm a man cut in half in this world
Left in my misery...

"A Fine Day To Exit"

Its one a.m. I'm driving to the beach. A fine day to exit is playing. Am I really writing while driving? Yes. Is it safe? No, absolutely not. However, to fully capture the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and essence of the character of this album, I feel it necessary to write this while I drive. I will edit it when I am safely back at my residence however. Let's begin.

I have been dealt several severely crippling blows emotionally over the past 5 years. (as has the character in the record, and some would argue everyone else alive today, however, I am doing this for me, not for them and therefore I don't care.) :aside: I just saw a shooting star :end aside: the freeway is remarkably empty for a Friday night, and it isn't even remarkably late yet... The emptiness I am surrounded by, this blissfull blackness encroaching on my very existence is a welcome companion on this drive. Headlights of oncoming traffic stare me down but the fact that there is one car ahead of me and two cars behind, matches my very feelings. That I am on my own road, devoid of fakes and imitators. One rear car just left the freeway. Good. One step closer to truely being alone. This is going to be a long post, I can definitely already tell.

The dots marking lanes fly by. My exit nears. 76 west, one mile. Next right. I am off the freeway. The black hugs me tighter. The stoplights setting the pace of my journey, multifaceted jewels glowing, red, yellow, green. The road is empty. I am truly alone. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. I have found true solitude. I love the complete emptiness, the blackhole void that has opened behind me. Consuming all light. All matter. All hope. All emotion. A wondrous numbing agent. Can one feel any more numb than I was today? Is that possible? Is this what living death feels like? (as with the character on the record, I am confused, slightly numb, apathetic, disappointed, hurt, unsettled, and alone. I am all of these at once, and try also I am none of these.) What do I do? This question is easily the most pressing one. There are thousands of solutions to my problems popping in and out of my mind as flashcards are shown to children learning addition. Will this action plus that reaction equal my solution? (there is one difference between my situation however, and the character of the record in that I will be returning from the ocean this morning whereas he did not, the character in the album goes crazy and kills himself in the ocean, his suicide note reading five simple words: 'a fine day to exit') I draw nearer to my destination, signs acting as a countdown. I unfortunately do not anticipate my journey to leave me with answers and fewer questions but rather more questions and fewer answers. What am I looking for? Why am I being pulled so strongly toward the ocean? Either coincedentally or by design, my thoughts match the album, the song 'panic' having just reached its conclusion. I pull into the harbor. I pull into a parking spot overlooking the beach. I capture my souvenere. The ocean sounds amazing when you are the only person around. The biting cold of the ocean air dances over my skin. Perhaps I am not as unfeeling as I had wished, hoped, wanted to be. The cold hard reality of my situation is that it is not the case, and things will come rushing back with more feeling, emotion, and thought then they ever previously held. I stop and stare and wonder at the ocean, the sounds, the feelings, the thoughts. This blissful loneliness. I walk out over the pier, gazing into the undying black of the ocean, the waves crashing in my ears, the biting cold on my face, the crushing silence inside my own head, screaming noiselessly at my own insignificance, the vastness of the sand, so many minuscule, insignificant things making up something so impressive and huge. Memories of years past cascade around me, thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, wishes and dreams. A homeless person sleeps on a bench. This silently screaming reality makes me wonder. What do they think about this place? How do they feel here? The rough, weatherbeaten wood beneath my feet snaps me back to myself. I am as these boards once were. Thriving, and full of life. Now, cut down, trampled, weatherworn, but still existing. A lifeless mass serving what real purpose? Do these planks still feel? Each knot representing a scar, a hard time in life, a difficulty overcome? I have reached my destination. The furthest point I can go and remain dry... It is black. It is truely a blissful embrace to hold nothingness.

I have walked to the edge of the world tonight. I have briefly grasped the edges of my own soul and emotion. The wondrous consuming unknown. Light illuminates the path back towards civilization and myself. The past, as this path that I'm walking are clear, brightly lit, they are safe, there are no hidden concerns in the past. Each wave beginning as a slow ripple, moving with me towards the shore. Each beat of my heart driving me forward into the unknown, the uncertain, the light of the present. I pass the homeless gentleman again. My hands begin to numb.

I am back at my car. My stomach pleads for attention. My heart and soul do as well. A cacophony of noise in my now silent car a stark contrast to the blissful silence I felt in the barage of sound on the pier. I tell them to shut the fuck up. Take me back to that numb. I do not wish to remain here in the silent screaming. I put the record back on. What an incredible thing to walk a mile in the shoes of another. I wish however that the man in the record could keep walking as I am in mine. Marching forward into the unknown at the same pace as everyone else. One second at a time, sixty minutes an hour, twenty for hours a day. One day at a time. It is most difficult to be content with our limited knowledge of what the future holds. I however have given myself something which I did not foresee. I have given myself the memory of the beautiful black silence, my embrace of the emptiness, to forever wipe away the lunacy of any given moment.





---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





As the pressure grows and these feelings flow
Trample on bodies, bodies in holes of faith
Times I've asked the lord for forgiveness
While kept under a spell of a sweating locust's breath
No need to tell me 'cause it's written on your face
Sliding down now with the black lights shining

I don't care where you go you won't get away from me
Black as the night is day filled with no sympathy
Marching down the hall for a misery
I don't care where you go, you won't get away from me

Mouth tastes of sick, stomach twist inside
Everything's wrong and I can't get away
The gravity of fear you can feel it coming near
It's coming straight for you, it'll twist and drag you down

I don't care where you go, you won't get away from me





Seeing is believing but I don't want to know
Walk on through the wasteland I just can't let go
Face down I just break down when I see you cry
All the time

Hold on
Please
Hold on
To me
Tempt fate
Release
Escape

Someone now is screaming as the flames fly high
Think now that we're lost here and we don't know why
Face down I just break down when I see you cry
All the time

Hold on
Please
Hold on
To me
Tempt fate
Release
Escape

Behind those grey and lonely eyes
Unforgotten by time
Reality is dawning
Our spirit is awakening
And somewhere in the hurricane
Hope is waiting
Crying in the distance
And calling out your name





Is this the one who thought it was insane
Coming down against it all

Didn't want it
Didn't need it
Didn't want it

Twisted face of fading beauty
Count the cost of suffering
Cannot see the day before you
Only feel what's deep inside
Try to change it makes no difference

Didn't want it
Didn't need it
Didn't want it

Let me go

Looking outside inside, craving for something
Hoping for anything, I'll believe in anything
Who has eyes that see, who wants to believe?
In something, in anything, in one thing, in freedom

Looking outside inside

Self-assist pandemonium, broken promises
Tired of life, flying high, you caught me in your eye
Disintegrated, incinerated
This is not now I want to be
Too much is coming through, someone please tell me what to do

Looking outside inside




Born to the glare of the senses
Spoon fed reality infused
A new inherent
Passive contentment
You are so easily amused

Here and now
We are gone in a heartbeat
A dream in the
Passage your time

Chances are failing
This world isn't waiting
The moment is passing you by

Questions lie beneath the surface
The fools are fooled once again
Benign coincidence
We stole our existence
And gladly cast it to the wind

Here and now
We are gone in a heartbeat
A dream in the passage of time

Chances are failing
This world isn't waiting
The moment is passing you by

Slowly spinning on the wind back home





There's always something
You won't dare to say
Your good intentions
Are boring take me away
If it keeps you sane, then it's okay
If I played it safe, would it save me?

I'd like to get some rest now
If I could just ignore the truth
Scratching at the window
This time I've got to make a move
Ego obliteration
Stand back and watch me melt away
Dissolve all recognition

I've got to burn this weight out of my mind
Running through my veins until I disappear

This feeling is over
This feeling is over me

Climbing up the wall
Going to creep between the cracks
Get out of my skull
Tie the rope around my neck
Destroy all emotion
Going to rip me face to shreds
Cut my eyeballs open

I've got to burn this wait out of my mind
Running through my veins until I disappear

This feeling is over
This feeling is over me





Floating with nowhere to hide
Unspoken twist back inside

How did we get here?
Life don't belong here

Feel like I just never tried
To find a way back to the outside
It stops me from breathing
Kills all the dreaming

Talking to you from the other side of a wall in my mind
And it's clear that you're near to me
I think I found a way to understand why I couldn't see what was happening
The fear overcame me
Took a trip on the inside, I took a trip on the inside
I try to hold on until this feeling is gone
Break through to the other side, I need to break through to the other side
Of everything that is hurting you

I just can't lay down and die
It takes a lifetime to understand why
It seems that you're near me
But you don't seem to hear me





You know you ain't going nowhere
You're stuck inside while the mind is flying
You said you'd help me in the morning
Twisting on pins into my eyes
And dragging on the ceiling below you
Fixing up the walls with your crooked hands
While you're miles away, miles away, miles away

I didn't think it'll all end up like this
There's spiders on the wall and they stink of piss
Dead heads lying in the corner
Staring at me making me feel bad
I put my hands up to my eyes
But the holes in my palms let me find a way
To corner you

I can feel my chest crushing inwards
Sucking through my skin into my BRAIN
Oxygen pushing on the window cracks in the glass let
It slip away
I start to cry and I keep on laughing
I close my eyes at what's left inside
And then I'll ran away

For all the time this land
For all the time in my hand
Slip around in depth found
Calmness fall once again

Razor blades floating in the warm bath
Air bubbles in your veins turning my hands black
Whispers coming from the next room
Window cleaner keep on SPYING
I put my hands up to my eyes
But the HOLES in my PALMS let me find
A way to corner me

Twelve tonnes hammer for My breakfast
Slipping of the edge in catatonic blood
Multiple decibel inscriptions trying all they
Can in miles an hour... face
Grey and looming downwards
Sniffing all the time for a ounce of silence
Screaming all the way

Numbers counting down inside me
Solar system thoughts circle round my head
False teeth hanging from the ceiling
Feet looking of the goms of the 2nd son
I eat my hands cos my legs are crying
You Broke my neck cause I Snapped my spine
I wish you would Die away

To all the time in this land
And all the time in my hands
Circle Round in depth found
Calmness Fall once again





Long way from home
Nowhere to go
What made the river so cold?

The sweat of thoughts
Trickle down my brow
Soaking and stinging my eye

You've got to face it head on
So you can turn this thing around
'cause this ain't right

Tell tale sighs and cries
Of dreams unfulfilled
And time is running, running dry

Panic stricken bloodshot hearts
Try to restart
But no longer build the well to survive sweet oblivion

You've got to face it head on
So you can turn this thing around
'cause this ain't right

I've got these feelings and I don't know why
I see all my fears in the darkness of light
What made the river so cold?

Never anyone to rearrange and fall to
Time inside the empty
Call to the blameless, I am faithless
Placid dying eyes

You've got to face it head on
So you can turn this thing around
'cause this ain't right

You have to go eye to eye
Raise your face to the sky
'cause this ain't right

I got to believe when I say
Only this is the way





Deep inside the silence
Staring out upon the sea
The waves washing over
Half forgotten memories
Deep within the moment
Laughter floats upon the breeze
Rising and falling dying down within me

And I swear I never knew how it could be
And all this time all I had inside was what I couldn't see
I swear I never knew how it could be
All the waves washing over all that hurts inside of me

Beyond this beautiful horizon
Lies a dream for you and I
This tranquil scene is still unbroken by the rumors in the sky
But there's a storm closing in
Voices crying on the wind
This serenade is growing colder breaks my soul that tries to sing
And there's so many, many thoughts
When I try to go to sleep
But with you I start to feel a sort of temporary peace

There's a drift in and out

Nothing like this Felt in her kiss
Cannot resist her Fell for her charm
Lost in her arms I keep a photograph
Give me a glimpse Let me come in
Be there inside her Here it begins
Here is the sin Something to lie about

You think you're smart I think you're art
We agree on this It doesn't work
Feeling like dirt Feeling like you don't care
We get a room And in the gloom
She lights a cigarette Clothes on the bed
Love me she said I lose myself to her

I'm getting feelings I'm hiding too well
(Bury the horse shaped shell)
Something broke inside my stomach
I let the pieces lie just where they fell
(Being with you is hell)

Hair blow in an open car
Summer dress slips down her arm
Hair blown in an open car

OK what's next? After the sex
What do we now? Finding the time
Drawing the line And never crossing it
Gave her the hours Gave her the power
Cannot erase her Gave her the truth
Gave her the proof I gave her everything

I'm getting feelings I'm hiding to well
(Bury the horse shaped shell)
Something broke inside my stomach
I let the pieces lie just where they fell
(Being with you is hell)

Hair blow in an open car
Summer dress slips down her arm
Hair blown in an open car
On a drive out to the farm
Hair blown in an open car

Hair blown in an open car
Summer dress slips down your arm
Hair blown in an open car..

Its late... I have a headache... I think the weight of thoughts in my head are crushing my brain... I want a beagle puppy, and I hate my name. Money is far tighter than I'd like it to be, but I will survive. Amoeba music calls my name like a siren from the sea... These are but a few of the thoughts on my mind...

As Promised.

After a rather lengthy and quality conversation last night, i have come to realize a few things. I shall attempt to reveal them over time, however here are the ground rules i am laying for myself as i strive to make these changes.

> To handle others, use your heart. To handle yourself, use your head unless the issue at hand will cause, or has caused any kind of negative impact on my self image or the self image I am trying to create.

> Be mad at yourself for no more than three days, then move on. Accept and come to terms with the circumstances of situation, but do not allow yourself to become a victim of circumstance. Take responsibility of my actions, and own the consequences, but let it go after three days.

I generally relate to the morose, sad, dreary, upset, indifferent, pain, gray, hurt, dismay and dejected things of this world. I generally have consternation towards myself for how i handle a situation, I berate, belittle and destroy myself if i feel that i dont handle it as well as i could have, if i feel that i messed up, etc. it is time to change that. Now, rather than turn to one of my favorite companions of pain and self loathing for a sympathetic situation, i find some meaning in a pair of songs they have written, that i have heard a good number of times (according to itunes, last count for the first one is: 20, and the second one is: 56) for some reassurance that this is right. if my friends in despair can feel this, so can i. it is not unattainable. i can do it. i will do it. success will be mine.

Part One:

Deep inside the silence
Staring out upon the sea
The waves washing over
Half forgotten memories
Deep within the moment
Laughter floats upon the breeze
Rising and falling dying down within me

And I swear I never knew how it could be
And all this time all I had inside was what I couldn't see
I swear I never knew how it could be
All the waves washing over all that hurts inside of me

Beyond this beautiful horizon
Lies a dream for you and I
This tranquil scene is still unbroken by the rumors in the sky
But there's a storm closing in
Voices crying on the wind
This serenade is growing colder breaks my soul that tries to sing
And there's so many, many thoughts
When I try to go to sleep
But with you I start to feel a sort of temporary peace

There's a drift in and out


Part Two:

Think for yourself you know what you need in this life
See for yourself and feel your soul come alive tonight
Here in the moment we share, trembling between the worlds we stare
Out at starlight enshrined, veiled like diamonds in..

...time can be the answer, take a chance, lose it all
It's a simple mistake to make to create love and to fall
So rise and be your master you don't need to be a slave
Of memory ensnared in a web, in a cage

I have found my way to fly free from the constraints of time
I have soared through the sky seen life far below in mind
Breathed in truth, love, serene, sailed on oceans of belief
Searched and found life inside, we're not just a moment in time...

....can be the answer, take a chance lose it all
It's a simple mistake to make to create love and to fall
So rise and be your master you don't need to be a slave
Of memory ensnared in a web, in a cage

Despair is for people who know, beyond any doubt, what the future is going to bring.
Nobody is in that position.
So despair is not only a kind of sin, theologically, but also a simple mistake, because nobody actually knows.
In that sense there always is hope.

Ive Found a New Mirror...

In which to view myself. Keep your eyes peeled here, because im gonna post later (hopefully) with some more insight.

"Hey You...

Rotting in your alcoholic shell...
Banging on the walls of your intoxicated mind
Do you ever wonder why you were left alone
As your heart grew colder and finally turned to stone"



so... before my mind completely deteriorates into the blissful black of numbness, i have a few thoughts to get out. firstly, let us examine the first five minutes of tonight's alcohol fueled foray into my brain. minute one; triple shot of vodka. minute two; triple shot of vodka. minute three; pineapple chunks. minute four; triple shot of vodka. minute five; triple shot of vodka with oat soda chaser. thats about where i am right now... its starting to hit and the marvelous tingly numb is setting in, i think i may couple that with a sleeping pill... we shall see where this leads us. yes. us. me, myself and i. the three muskafuckingteers on this wondrous journey of self discovery and enlightenment. a friend told me recently that drunk minds speak sober thoughts... a very interesting point indeed. i find for myself personally however, that my inhibitions come rather than go with each and every drink. every drop, one less word ill say. one fewer thing you could learn about me. i drink them down, to digest them. to think. to ponder. to comprehend. therefore, before my mind shuts down and locks up these thoughts, out with them. onto this incredible digital substitute for actually handwriting all of this horseshit spilling out of my fucking cranium. let me start with my complete and utter lack of amusement at the events that occurred this evening. i do not understand. it was not funny. it was not amusing. it was not fucking harmless. this is not a game. some people drink and open up. i drink and shut down. the words. the phrases. everything, fucking hurt. i stick steadfast to what i learned this week. if it crosses your mind while you are intoxicated, it must be present while you are sober. some lose their inhibitions. i gain mine. every drink, every shot, another word, another fact, another experience, that you will never know. the wondrous clear mirror i can drown myself in. :pause: drink time (another shot of vodka!!) :end pause: reflecting on everything. :this is becoming more and more difficult, i CANT FUCKING FOCUS!! brain lock-down imminent tmie for more beer: making your bed while intoxicated is incredibly difficult btw. and lets see if i can bring this around, back to my original point and get it all out before i pass out. where was i? ah yes. and i am most sorry that i am writing as im talking, however i cant help it. i am far past the point of sobriety, and regardless of whether these thoughts and the alcohol fueling them end up in the toilet (or on the bathroom floor hahahaha oh drunks...) this part, the thoughts, will survive here forever (or until i read them sober and delete them lol) and reading over this post again, i am surprised at how well i am spelling and typing considering how much movement my keyboard is doing at the moment... anyways, BACK TO MY FUCKIN THOUGHTS :not emotions, you are right person in readerland, i am sticking to my guns, and you arent getting to this heart of mine anymore... lets keep it superficial shall we??: i was told by several people that i need to date in a non-committal manner. keep several girls in the air at once... is that me? no. what is my preferred modus operandi? lets shut down. i am no longer open for the business of love. fuck it. i really am glad i am drinking alone tonight, nobody can fuckin babysit me. if i fuck up, its on me. and as much, as i would currently love to be angry and irritated, i cant be. less than amused? absolutely. hurting as a result of someone else's actions? without a fucking doubt. i am so far from sober right now. maybe its my turn to spew forth a bunch of shit that i can wriggle away from once im sober? no. i cant fucking do it. i dont even know what the hell im saying right now. ok. you fucking win. i am hurting. a lot. there it is. thats how i feel. and it will be worse once sobriety kicks in. because the "truth" will come out to play once again. fuck emotion. fuck love. fuck caring about people. fuck it all if this is the end result. take a chance, the end result? up shit creek, with no fucking paddle. row through the filth with my bare fucking hands, and a heart laid even more bare. its just a few chambers and valves anyways right? like a fuckin car engine? inanimate. unfeeling. unknowing. thats all it is right? a block of iron that moves our bodies through ilfe? unwavering. cracked by temperatures too hot or cold. occasionally blowing a seal to the dismay of its owner? what is the end result of a car thats service is too expensive? it doesnt get driven. it rusts and it dies. i wish that end upon the motor driving this worthless sack of shit through life. rust and die heart. your a fucking piece of shit. let me drag your sorry ass to the junkyard with the rest of the worlds rejected crap already. im done with you, hopefully nobody will salvage you from the trash heap. you are worthless heart. rust and fucking die.

delicate. (You Only Get One.)

Yet another night of alcohol fueled self-examination. this isnt even a fucking poem. i am not coherent enough to string together a poem or another pitiful attempt at a lame fucking song. this is emotion, raw and real. how i feel, and this... is the final foray into this heart of mine. i can no longer take exposing bits and pieces under the armor and being stabbed or poisoned, slashed or hacked, battered or bruised. if you arent in, your not getting in. if your out, your out. if you are in, you better watch your fuckin step because one slip and your gone. you have been warned.


so many song lyrics are popping into mind, however one sticks... ill share it at the end of my own drunk, stupid ramblings. i got burned again. those four words seem to cover it. but they dont. at all. tainted words forming pure promises. what to say? what to think? what to feel? i knew far better than to stick my toes in the pool lest i get sucked in. fallen victim to life and love's cruel trickery once again. in my darkest hour, a hand offered, to pull me from the mire in which i suffered alone. a breath i gasped before being cast down again, further again than previously experienced. dark thoughts surrounded by darker night. emotions now under lock and key. damaged at a point most vulnerable. stupid decisions, a wavering thought... worn proudly as scars of the heart. seen by none. pain worn by one. im listening to a few different songs on repeat... i really hope some of the writers will take this heat... i really was hesitant for a reason, yet no tears roll down my face. i am why im in this place. its my own damn fault. drink the pain away. drop by drop, alcohol in the system, blood out of the heart. drink it empty. drop by drop. it doesnt take as much as i thought, to drink the pain away. i dont even know what the fuck im saying anymore.





We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd ya sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

And why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
Why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

72

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

Alcohol Is The Mirror In Which I Gaze

Here I sit at the fire
Liquor's bitter flames warm my languid soul
Here I drink alone and remember
A graven life, the stain of her memory
In this cup, love's poison
For love is the poison of life
Tip the cup, feed the fire,
And forget about useless hope...

Lost in the desolation of love
The passions we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
This path that we walk...

Here's to love, the sickness
The great martyr of the soul
Here's to life, the vice
The great herald of misery
In this cup, spiritus frumenti
For this is the nectar of the spirit
Quench the thirst, drown the sorrow
And forget about cold yesterdays...

Lost in the desolation of love
The passions we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
This path that we walk...
Lost in the desolation of love
The sorrows we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
The path that we walk...

Easily Made a Fool (a tantelizing new blend, 50% original/50%unoriginal)

Yeah, I definitely did know better than to let myself think that for even one second...


'Cry at all that remains,
''Chosen words'' fail to sustain,
The wisdom, of powers heard,
In dismal thoughts seemingly absurd...'

I Love:

Getting shit on.


I will celebrate myself again
Naked dying, proud of what I am
I dream and invite my fading soul
Observing human sphere at all atone

Swanlike I turn away from your despair
Can't you see there's no beg for pardon
Swanlike I turn away from your despair
A noble heart forever dying

Under a fading lamp half dressed my brain
Idling on some compulsive remain
I towel my shaven jaw and stare
Riveted by a dark exhausted flair

Swanlike I turn away from your despair
Naked dying, proud of what I am
Swanlike I turn away from your despair
Idling on some compulsive remain

I look into my glass and view my wasting skin
And say "would God it came to pass"
My heard has shrunk as thin
For then I undistrest by hearts grown cold to me
Could lonely wait my endless rest with equanimity

For the time being I return
Now plainly in the mirror of my soul
I read that I have looked my last on youth
And little more for they are not made whole
That reach the age of fallen Christ

A silent flight takes me away
From this ignorant world
A final cry deep in that night
Swanlike I turn away

My inspiration
Burning flames; glistening sounds
Sapphire-dark and marrow-deep, silence around us

Under a fading moon
Will you ever be swanlike

Late Night Attempted Bar Visit

Turned great conversation... Damn 2am bar cutoff thankfully i had vodka in the fridge, couple shots of that after a sleepless night, maybe ill get some rest tonight... today... whatever the fuck it is...

"Tonight your soul sleeps, but one day you will feel real pain,
maybe then you will see me as I am,
A fragile wreck on a storm of emotion"

Countless times I trusted you,
I let you back in,
Knowing... Yearning... you know
I should have run... but I stayed

Maybe I always knew,
My fragile dreams would be broken for you.

Today I introduced myself,
To my own feelings,
In silent agony, after all these years,
They spoke to me... after all these years

Maybe I always knew...

Jah

I think I may have found my spiritual calling, the one that molests my own personal belief less than any of the others... It could be too soon to tell, and I will absolutely keep those of you out there in readerland posted as more develops, I've got more to look into on this subject. Stay tuned.



'Its full time for I and I to know ourselves, but hate had made us to forget, Jah didn't make us live like wild beasts, no more fightin, no more killin, let love and beauty abide'

Death Is Inspiring

When faced with death (as individuals, or a group) we are often inspired to create our most beautiful, insightful, and incredible works... I feel that we have come to realize and accept that, and as a brilliant example of such, Bob Marley, when faced with death by cancer, wrote this incredible piece that has helped many people and spread a fantastic message to those who want to here it.

Redemption Song:

Old pirates, yes, they rob i;
Sold I to the merchant ships,
Minutes after they took i
From the bottomless pit.
But my hand was made strong
By the and of the almighty.
We forward in this generation
Triumphantly.
Wont you help to sing
These songs of freedom? -
cause all I ever have:
Redemption songs;
Redemption songs.

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
cause none of them can stop the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look? ooh!
Some say its just a part of it:
Weve got to fulfil de book.

Wont you help to sing
These songs of freedom? -
cause all I ever have:
Redemption songs;
Redemption songs;
Redemption songs.
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our mind.
Wo! have no fear for atomic energy,
cause none of them-a can-a stop-a the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look?
Yes, some say its just a part of it:
Weve got to fulfil de book.
Wont you help to sing
Dese songs of freedom? -
cause all I ever had:
Redemption songs -
All I ever had:
Redemption songs:
These songs of freedom,
Songs of freedom.

weve got freedom. use it. cherish it.

Emotional Medley

yeah... so this packet is tearin me apart... i feel like such a sleezy piece of shit human being after filling this thing out... and tomorrow the monster and i part ways... wish me luck...

i dont know where im at this minute... i mean, im here, typing in my room... but emotionally, i feel like im in for a serious hurting in the near future... its what my past held, and i cant help but feel like thats what my future holds as well... messy to say the least... what to do? what to think? what to say? how to act?

:unoriginal thought:
Through the bleak window of my soul
In marble halls of falling snow
Winter touch the Earth undone
Embittered we embrace the funerals to come
:end unoriginal thought:

I Really Didn't Expect to Like This One...

And I'm not going back
Into rags or in the hole
And our bruises are coming
But we will never fold

And I was your silver lining
As the story goes
I was your silver lining
but now I'm gold

Hooray hooray
I was your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold

And I was your silver lining
High up on my toes
You were running through fields of hitch-hikers
As the story goes

Hooray hooray
I was your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold

Hooray hooray
I was your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold

And the grass it was a ticking
And the sun was on the rise
I never felt so wicked
As when I willed our love to die

And I was your silver lining
As the story goes
I was your silver lining
But now I'm gold

Hooray hooray
I was your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold

Hooray hooray
I was your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold

But now I'm gold
But now I'm gold





:insert original thought: I am in a damn fine mood today. It shall be a good day. I feel hopeful, excited, and strangely optimistic.... :end original thought:

Fuckin. Love. It.

They say in chess you've got to kill the queen and then you made it.
Oh I, do you
A funny thing, the king who gets himself assassinated.
Hey now, every time I lose
Altitude.

You took a town by storm the mess you made was nominated.
Oh I, do you
Now put away your welcome soon you'll find you've overstayed it.
Hey now, every time I lose
Altitude.

So divine
Hell of an Elevator
All the while my fortune faded
Never mind, the consequences of the crime this time my fortune faded.

The medicated state of mind
You'll find is overrated.
Oh I, do you
You saw it all come down and now its time to imitate it.
Hey now, every time I lose.
Altitude.

So divine
Hell of an Elevator
All the while my fortune faded
Never mind, the consequences of the crime this time my fortune faded.

Come on God do I seem bulletproof?

So divine
Hell of an Elevator
All the while my fortune faded
Never mind, the consequences of the crime this time my fortune faded.

So divine
Hell of an Elevator
All the while my fortune faded
Never mind, the consequences of the crime this time my fortune faded.

Sober (Unoriginal)

There's a shadow just behind me
Shrouding every step I take
Making every promise empty
Pointing every finger at me

Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests
Murder now the path called "must we"
Just before the son has come

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over
Why can't we drink forever?
I just want to start this over

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well

I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down

Mother Mary won't you whisper
Something but what's past and done?

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start things over
Why can't we sleep forever?
I just want to start this over

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well

I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
Trust me

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start things over
Why can't we sleep forever?
I just want to start this over

I want what I want

Black Mask Worn in Secret (Original Thought)

Blood flowing,
Past repeating,
What the fuck am I thinking?
Into what hole am I sinking?
Of sickness it is reeking,
The cold comfort of night I am seeking,
The darkness through which I am peeking,
Staring into blackness bleakly,
Will I be forced to this place nightly?
Weekly?
Crying whilst seraphim forsake me?
Trembling is where anger takes thee,
Into my soul it is creeping,
As needles, into my skin twisting,
Deepest black from my heart bleeding,
Emotion moves to my face for the reading,
As I gaze into your eyes pleading,
To not take this heart for the tearing,
A look of disdain your face is wearing,
Heartbeat in my ears is blaring,
Real thoughts and feelings scaring,
Me into unknown watching,
For a sign, an indication that this cycle is stopping,
Ups and downs are twirling round me,
Thoughts past and present through my mind keep racing,
Up and down this cold room I'm pacing,
For the very worst my heart I'm bracing,
Blood in my mouth I am tasting,
As I bite my tongue, words escaping,
What horrid words am I saying?
These thoughts not contained within me,
Spilling, trickling, quietly pouring,
From pen to paper, the ink is dripping,
A minute seed of hope is growing,
Trunk, leaves and branches taking place of black outpouring,
Small light at end of tunnel brightening,
Before dying under blackened clouds outpouring,
Onto me this lack of hope consuming,
Waves of dispair onto beaches roaring,
Like a ship torn from safe mooring,
Sinking into black completely.

An Original Thought (Comprised of Unoriginal Thoughts)

The following is a poem I comprised of many different song pieces and fragments...
They belong to their respective owners.


A king in my own mind
Let the demons have their place,
If so its angels you'll create,
Heavy is the head that wears this crown.
Don't want to fool myself anymore,
I'm not your star,
I'm not that beam of light,
Kiss me coldly and drain this life from my lips.
Here's to love, the sickness.
As the pressure grows and these feelings flow,
All the angels praying for me.
As I fall, As I fall.
Oh, how i despise it.
Beware the bottled thoughts of angry young men,
Black and white are all I see,
Hello Darkness my old friend,
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
While I'm melting in the rain, deep in pain.
I remember when I lost my mind.
I close my eyes at what's left inside.
And I stand alone as I cry.

Yes.

Have you ever felt the future is the past, but you don't know how...?
A reflected dream of a captured time, is it really now, is it really happening?

Don't know why I feel this way, have I dreamt this time, this place?
Something vivid comes again into my mind
And I think I've seen your face, seen this room, been in this place
Something vivid comes again into my mind

All my hopes and expectations, looking for an explanation
Have I found my destination? I just can't take no more

The dream is true, the dream is true
The dream is true, the dream is true

Think I've heard your voice before, think I've said these words before
Something makes me feel I just might lose my mind
Am I still inside my dream? Is this a new reality
Something makes me feel that I have lost my mind

All my hopes and expectations, looking for an explanation
Coming to the realization that I can't see for sure

I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, please save me from myself

The dream is true, the dream is true
The dream is true, the dream is true

I get up put on the light, dreading the oncoming night
Scared to fall asleep and dream the dream again
Nothing that I contemplate, nothing that I can compare
To letting loose the demons deep inside my head

Dread to think what might be stirring, that my dream is reoccurring
Got to keep away from drifting, saving me from myself

I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself

Lost in a dream of mirrors, lost in a paradox
Lost and time is spinning, lost a nightmare I retrace
Lost a hell that I revisit, lost another time and place
Lost a parallel existence, lost a nightmare I retrace

I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself

I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I'm alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself

The dream is true, the dream is true
The dream is true, the dream is true

In These Veins

Blackened skys, bloodred hearts,
Romance is a tortured art,
Maybe we were doomed from the start,
Maybe we weren't ever meant to part,
Who knows what couldve, shouldve, wouldve been?
I never hoped that it would end,
Yet once again,
I am forced into the ice cold reality that what once was,
Has come to an end.

These Stains...

Walking familiar streets, tainted with fingerprints and memories
Thoughts stroll through the mind, what kind of emotions do I find?
The finest dust previously covered these emotions up,
Walking familiar streets, breezes blowing dust free.
How and where do I put these emotions within me?
Haunted, regretting, walking these streets is upsetting.
Like fingerprints on glass, smudges on life, these brutal truths taunt me,
No amount of scrubbing will remove these stains.
How much longer until freedom and peace I can attain?
Wearing manacles and chains, how much more torture can I sustain?
Living daily, waking and sleeping in pain.
The simple joys of life, blemished by memory.
Good and bad, happy and sad, joyous, miserable
Into one vortex it all swirls.
This is the price to pay for loving and losing a girl.
Driving now past personal landmarks, just another block was my remark
As we walked this same street
Feels like yesterday, walking in summers heat
Mere yards away from these places, we were happy and sad, many different faces.
As we walked, briskly, down sunset towards the whiskey.
Forever in my mind it will stay, a great night with two regrets,
I'm sorry it wasn't perfect, I'm sorry I made you upset...

An Original Thought

With sadness and disdain I admit what my current life's goal is.
To become empty, heartless and soulless.
What does that say however about my basic existence and condition?
What does it speak about the state that my heart and mind are in?
Issues past and present sit rotting;
Eating everything positive I'm capable of starting.
Who then owns the face that you see?
The facade, the false, representing and present for every impurity?
Dredging up issues, problems, emotions, should have been long since laid to rest,
A fucked up individual, life; a blackened mess.
Face of the faceless, thoughts of the thoughtless, a heart for the heartless
and a soul for the soulless.
Who then do you know?
A phantom, a specter, a ghost.
The sometimes smiling face presented to most.
To whom the mask belongs, a skin he does not possess.
Crawling off his own back, a quivering jumble.
The man who used to be inside, broken and humbled.
The true face of sickness most will never know,
Silent tears streaming at thoughts and actions past done.
Looking for comfort and solace, of which there are none.
Questions burn my mind, as the faceless turns to look inside.
Not knowing what the phantom may find.
Do the soulless yearn for whats lost? Do the heartless lament for feelings past?
Do the thoughtless have tormented thoughts? Does the faceless see what hes become?
Yes.
The answer is painfully clear,
What kind of wretched creature is sitting here.
Someone fucked up and ruined, having dealt himself a poor hand.
A creature in place of a once normal man.
Ugly and foul, tortured and tormented.
By myself, previous actions rethought, revisited and lamented.

Life...

Is indeed crazy, and this particular song, has always had relevance to my life, but moreso now than ever.


Underneath her skin and jewelry,
hidden in her words and eyes
is a wall that's cold and ugly
and she's scared as hell.
Trembling at the thought of feeling.
Wide awake and keeping distance.
Nothing seems to penetrate her.
She's scared as hell.

I am frightened to.

Wide awake
and keeping distance from my soul.
I am scared like you.

Follow Up To The Irony Post

Last night I get a random ass email (I will post the whole back and forth conversation with names removed for privacy) from this same person. Evidently they had read my blog and had an issue with it (there was no way they could have read my profile, since as previously stated they were removed). I find it ever so amusing that even though I have made my desire to stop communicating clear, that this person decided to see what was going on in my life YET AGAIN and then contact me regarding my thoughts. This person continually fails to understand that their actions have consequences (they do regardless of whether you understand and acknowledge them or not) and as such, there have already been consequences for your previous actions whether you realize it or not (try and contact me again and there will be serious ramifications. I am done fucking around). What many people (this one in particular) fails to realize, is that people can only be pushed so far. I have hit my limit, and since you decided to not listen (let me reiterate here, that in order to understand someone, you must listen) and since you continue to not listen (it was pretty much a trend from day one, and I have numerous examples of such) you have never understood me. Some claim that ignorance is bliss, I say not so. Some people just dont get it and never will. I have stopped making sense in my head and lost my train of thought, but I might pick this rant up again in the future... Anyways, onto the promised conversation (which was not initiated by myself, nor did I have any desire to start any other conversation or communication with this person)



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ANONYMOUS
Date: Aug 24, 2008 9:01 PM


your a fucking prick
go to hell you bastard


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ..In Search For I..
Date: Aug 24, 2008 9:13 PM


i was going to hell before i had your blessing


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ANONYMOUS
Date: Aug 24, 2008 9:16 PM



wasnt a blessing
it was a wish
good to know it came true



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ..In Search For I..
Date: Aug 24, 2008 9:18 PM
now that you got that out of your system are you gonna leave me alone?



**********************UNRELATED NEWS BELOW*************************


I got the nod for my first bass tryout for a band. FUCKING STOKED! Send good vibes my way yes??!?!?!? More news regarding this breakthrough soon!!!

Aint This The Fuckin Truth

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in

Ironic isn't it?

So I get an email yesterday from a certain someone who tells me that they miss our friendship... Funny, I didn't make the choice to end it. Yes, I did delete your profile from my myspace, but here's the thing... Its MYspace. Not YOURspace. Not OURspace. Its MYspace and therefore MY decision on who stays and who goes. Don't like it? Tough shit. Here's the funny part though, and I'm going to quote your response to my point of view on this matter: 'well I'm choosing to not be friends anymore' sure sounds like you made the decision rather than me... So when you come back to me with this 'I miss our friendship' line and then try and pin the end of it on me expecting me to be understanding and apologetic, you are mistaken. I don't buy that shit. Take some responsibility for your fuckin actions, make a choice, deal with the consequences. That's how real life works. You can't fuckin pass all your problems and the consequences of your actions onto others, it doesn't work that way. As far as the friendship, you made the decision, and I'm stickin to it. Miss me? Tough shit. I'm done.

Anyone, Anywhere

No one seems to care anymore
I wander through this night all alone
No one feels the pain I have inside
Looking at this world through my eyes

No one really cares where I go
Searching to feel warmth forever more
The wheels of life they turn without me
Now you are gone... eternally

No...
Don't leave me here
The dream carries on
Inside
I know...
Its not too late
Lost moments blown away
Tonight

Mankind, with your heresy
Can't you see that this is killing me
There's no one in this life
To be here with me at my side

Do you ever just get to feeling like...

You want to say Fuck It to everything, and walk away from it all?

Thoughts... v2.0

As the pressure grows and these feelings flow
Trample on bodies, bodies in holes of faith
Times I've asked the lord for forgiveness
While kept under a spell of a sweating locust's breath
No need to tell me 'cause it's written on your face
Sliding down now with the black lights shining

I don't care where you go you won't get away from me
Black as the night is day filled with no sympathy
Marching down the hall for a misery
I don't care where you go, you won't get away from me

Mouth tastes of sick, stomach twist inside
Everything's wrong and I can't get away
The gravity of fear you can feel it coming near
It's coming straight for you, it'll twist and drag you down

I don't care where you go, you won't get away from me

To Everyone... And Noone

The inequity of fate
The pains of love and hate
The heart-sick memories
That brought you to your knees

And the times when we were young
When life seemed so long
Day after day
You burned it all away

All the hate that feeds your needs
All the sickness you conceive
All the horror you create
Will bring you to your knees

thoughts...

I am no savior
And I ain't no saint
They will take me to the electric chair
Yeah, Ha ha ha

No remorse
And no regrets
For those I've sent straight to hell

I have my demons
They're all here in my cell
They're all here and follow me everywhere

My hate controls me
And gives me strength
My only protection inside the walls

Dying. Desiring. Crying. Dying.
Dying. Desiring. Crying. Dying.

The walls are closing in
My cell is getting smaller
Soon, all the pains must cease
Life will end here

My final days are coming
I can wash away this pain
My body's getting colder
Oh, I feel so unafraid

Dying. Desiring. Crying. Dying.
Dying. Desiring. Crying. Dying.

The walls are closing in
My cell is getting smaller
Soon, all the pains must cease
Life will end here

My final days are counting
I can wash away this pain
My body's getting colder
Oh, I feel so unafraid

On death row.

Weak and Powerless

Let me clarify something first. THIS IS ABOUT ME AND MYSELF AND WHAT I HOPE TO DISCOVER WHILE IM NOT WORKING. Im lost, and as well as cleaning up the mess and tying up all the loose ends, I want to find myself again.

Tilling my own grave to keep me level
Jam another dragon down the hole
Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren
One that pushes me along and leaves me so

Desperate and ravenous,
So weak and powerless over you
Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of China
White as Dracula as I approach the bottom

Desperate and ravenous,
So weak and powerless over you

Little angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
Promised I would find a little solace
And some peace of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so

Desperate and ravenous,
So weak and powerless

Desperate and ravenous,
So weak and powerless
Over you

Electricity

I honestly cannot listen to this song enough... It has been on repeat for a solid week... lyrics:

Seems like you never really knew me
Seems like you never understood me
Seems like you never really knew how to feel
But electricity it drew you near to me
What you needed was to be rid of me

There were times you really made me smile
And there were times you really made me cry
And there were times I never really knew how to feel
But electricity it drew you near to me
What you needed was to be rid of me
And the fear made you so unsure of me
What you needed was to be rid of me.

But electricity it drew you near to me
What you needed was to be rid of me
And the fear made you so unsure of me
What you needed was to be rid of me.


Im gonna cover this one day... Keep checkin back for it

Cold & Ugly

Underneath her skin and jewelry,
hidden in her words and eyes
is a wall that's cold and ugly
and she's scared as hell.
Trembling at the thought of feeling.
Wide awake and keeping distance.
Nothing seems to penetrate her.
She's scared as hell.

I am frightened to.

Wide awake
and keeping distance from my soul.
I am scared like you.

Feelings in a Nutshell

You know you ain't going nowhere
You're stuck inside while the mind is flying
You said you'd help me in the morning
Twisting on pins into my eyes
And dragging on the ceiling below you
Fixing up the walls with your crooked hands
While you're miles away, miles away, miles away

I didn't think it'll all end up like this
There's spiders on the wall and they stink of piss
Dead heads lying in the corner
Staring at me making me feel bad
I put my hands up to my eyes
But the holes in my palms let me find a way
To corner you

I can feel my chest crushing inwards
Sucking through my skin into my BRAIN
Oxygen pushing on the window cracks in the glass let
It slip away
I start to cry and I keep on laughing
I close my eyes at what's left inside
And then I'll ran away

For all the time this land
For all the time in my hand
Slip around in depth found
Calmness fall once again

Razor blades floating in the warm bath
Air bubbles in your veins turning my hands black
Whispers coming from the next room
Window cleaner keep on SPYING
I put my hands up to my eyes
But the HOLES in my PALMS let me find
A way to corner me

Twelve tonnes hammer for My breakfast
Slipping of the edge in catatonic blood
Multiple decibel inscriptions trying all they
Can in miles an hour... face
Grey and looming downwards
Sniffing all the time for a ounce of silence
Screaming all the way

Numbers counting down inside me
Solar system thoughts circle round my head
False teeth hanging from the ceiling
Feet looking of the goms of the 2nd son
I eat my hands cos my legs are crying
You Broke my neck cause I Snapped my spine
I wish you would Die away

To all the time in this land
And all the time in my hands
Circle Round in depth found
Calmness Fall once again

Issues.

Need some serious therapy. I honestly cannot believe the past few days of my life. Waltzing in and out at her leisure, making no sense, contradictions and hypocrisy the order of the day.

Love.

This is a most mysterious word to many, not excluding myself. What does it mean? How does it feel? Why does it hurt? Can you live without it? I will be honest when I say that i believe in love. I will be honest when I say that you will know what it feels like. I will be honest when I say that I don't think you can live without it. I will also be honest when I say that it is the most incredible and also the most painful thing that you will feel, simultaneously, separately, they are interwoven. A tapestry of colors, representing emotions, threads crossing over each other, as emotions, highs and lows. A virtually unending fabric of texture and substance. At the beginning, it is amazing, it fits, it works, there are no tears or holes, unsightly seams or patches, the threads fit together tightly. As time wears on, regardless of how good or bad a relationship is, the fabric of its construction will eventually be torn here, become tattered there, threadbare, and yet, sometimes it stays together to become a most cherished and loved part of our lives. The most important "thing" we come to possess. Love. What is it? It isn't tangible, we cant feel it as a material, we cannot see the state it is in with our eyes, we cannot hear it or taste it. And yet, a glance into the life of a romantic shows that we can, colors become dull and drab, feelings become numb and insensitive. How is this possible? Love is not living, and yet it can make us feel so alive. Love is not dead, and yet it can make us feel so alone, so neglected or abused, so hollow or depleted. How can a single emotion, run so the gamut of so many others. The scope of the word love cannot be examined by an individual or even by many. It is everywhere, it makes us do things we cannot explain. It makes us crazy, but it drives us as well. It drives us to look for the good in people. It drives us to fight for something we want. It can break us. It can heal us. It can come when least expected. It can be right in front of you. There is one thing that you cannot do when it comes to love however. Do not question it. It is real, it does exist and if you feel it does not, then open your eyes. Someone loves you. Everyone needs it. Do not despair, love surrounds and envelops us, it is everywhere and it is within everyone... It is bigger than you or I, it is smaller than fresh dew drops. Look for love in everything and everyone, and this world will hold so much more for you...

Yet another day

In which I devote eight hours of my life to working, but to what end? More on this topic later, but it definitely gives me something to ponder while I get yelled at for improperly preparing someones beverage they didn't know how to order... Stay tuned

And Now

I have configured this page to further be a glimpse into my life, since I have configured it to be used with my phone... Just one more way to define the term "crackberry"

So...

I created this thing today... Lets see it become one of my most used websites??? Check it often yes?