Its late... I have a headache... I think the weight of thoughts in my head are crushing my brain... I want a beagle puppy, and I hate my name. Money is far tighter than I'd like it to be, but I will survive. Amoeba music calls my name like a siren from the sea... These are but a few of the thoughts on my mind...

As Promised.

After a rather lengthy and quality conversation last night, i have come to realize a few things. I shall attempt to reveal them over time, however here are the ground rules i am laying for myself as i strive to make these changes.

> To handle others, use your heart. To handle yourself, use your head unless the issue at hand will cause, or has caused any kind of negative impact on my self image or the self image I am trying to create.

> Be mad at yourself for no more than three days, then move on. Accept and come to terms with the circumstances of situation, but do not allow yourself to become a victim of circumstance. Take responsibility of my actions, and own the consequences, but let it go after three days.

I generally relate to the morose, sad, dreary, upset, indifferent, pain, gray, hurt, dismay and dejected things of this world. I generally have consternation towards myself for how i handle a situation, I berate, belittle and destroy myself if i feel that i dont handle it as well as i could have, if i feel that i messed up, etc. it is time to change that. Now, rather than turn to one of my favorite companions of pain and self loathing for a sympathetic situation, i find some meaning in a pair of songs they have written, that i have heard a good number of times (according to itunes, last count for the first one is: 20, and the second one is: 56) for some reassurance that this is right. if my friends in despair can feel this, so can i. it is not unattainable. i can do it. i will do it. success will be mine.

Part One:

Deep inside the silence
Staring out upon the sea
The waves washing over
Half forgotten memories
Deep within the moment
Laughter floats upon the breeze
Rising and falling dying down within me

And I swear I never knew how it could be
And all this time all I had inside was what I couldn't see
I swear I never knew how it could be
All the waves washing over all that hurts inside of me

Beyond this beautiful horizon
Lies a dream for you and I
This tranquil scene is still unbroken by the rumors in the sky
But there's a storm closing in
Voices crying on the wind
This serenade is growing colder breaks my soul that tries to sing
And there's so many, many thoughts
When I try to go to sleep
But with you I start to feel a sort of temporary peace

There's a drift in and out


Part Two:

Think for yourself you know what you need in this life
See for yourself and feel your soul come alive tonight
Here in the moment we share, trembling between the worlds we stare
Out at starlight enshrined, veiled like diamonds in..

...time can be the answer, take a chance, lose it all
It's a simple mistake to make to create love and to fall
So rise and be your master you don't need to be a slave
Of memory ensnared in a web, in a cage

I have found my way to fly free from the constraints of time
I have soared through the sky seen life far below in mind
Breathed in truth, love, serene, sailed on oceans of belief
Searched and found life inside, we're not just a moment in time...

....can be the answer, take a chance lose it all
It's a simple mistake to make to create love and to fall
So rise and be your master you don't need to be a slave
Of memory ensnared in a web, in a cage

Despair is for people who know, beyond any doubt, what the future is going to bring.
Nobody is in that position.
So despair is not only a kind of sin, theologically, but also a simple mistake, because nobody actually knows.
In that sense there always is hope.

Ive Found a New Mirror...

In which to view myself. Keep your eyes peeled here, because im gonna post later (hopefully) with some more insight.

"Hey You...

Rotting in your alcoholic shell...
Banging on the walls of your intoxicated mind
Do you ever wonder why you were left alone
As your heart grew colder and finally turned to stone"



so... before my mind completely deteriorates into the blissful black of numbness, i have a few thoughts to get out. firstly, let us examine the first five minutes of tonight's alcohol fueled foray into my brain. minute one; triple shot of vodka. minute two; triple shot of vodka. minute three; pineapple chunks. minute four; triple shot of vodka. minute five; triple shot of vodka with oat soda chaser. thats about where i am right now... its starting to hit and the marvelous tingly numb is setting in, i think i may couple that with a sleeping pill... we shall see where this leads us. yes. us. me, myself and i. the three muskafuckingteers on this wondrous journey of self discovery and enlightenment. a friend told me recently that drunk minds speak sober thoughts... a very interesting point indeed. i find for myself personally however, that my inhibitions come rather than go with each and every drink. every drop, one less word ill say. one fewer thing you could learn about me. i drink them down, to digest them. to think. to ponder. to comprehend. therefore, before my mind shuts down and locks up these thoughts, out with them. onto this incredible digital substitute for actually handwriting all of this horseshit spilling out of my fucking cranium. let me start with my complete and utter lack of amusement at the events that occurred this evening. i do not understand. it was not funny. it was not amusing. it was not fucking harmless. this is not a game. some people drink and open up. i drink and shut down. the words. the phrases. everything, fucking hurt. i stick steadfast to what i learned this week. if it crosses your mind while you are intoxicated, it must be present while you are sober. some lose their inhibitions. i gain mine. every drink, every shot, another word, another fact, another experience, that you will never know. the wondrous clear mirror i can drown myself in. :pause: drink time (another shot of vodka!!) :end pause: reflecting on everything. :this is becoming more and more difficult, i CANT FUCKING FOCUS!! brain lock-down imminent tmie for more beer: making your bed while intoxicated is incredibly difficult btw. and lets see if i can bring this around, back to my original point and get it all out before i pass out. where was i? ah yes. and i am most sorry that i am writing as im talking, however i cant help it. i am far past the point of sobriety, and regardless of whether these thoughts and the alcohol fueling them end up in the toilet (or on the bathroom floor hahahaha oh drunks...) this part, the thoughts, will survive here forever (or until i read them sober and delete them lol) and reading over this post again, i am surprised at how well i am spelling and typing considering how much movement my keyboard is doing at the moment... anyways, BACK TO MY FUCKIN THOUGHTS :not emotions, you are right person in readerland, i am sticking to my guns, and you arent getting to this heart of mine anymore... lets keep it superficial shall we??: i was told by several people that i need to date in a non-committal manner. keep several girls in the air at once... is that me? no. what is my preferred modus operandi? lets shut down. i am no longer open for the business of love. fuck it. i really am glad i am drinking alone tonight, nobody can fuckin babysit me. if i fuck up, its on me. and as much, as i would currently love to be angry and irritated, i cant be. less than amused? absolutely. hurting as a result of someone else's actions? without a fucking doubt. i am so far from sober right now. maybe its my turn to spew forth a bunch of shit that i can wriggle away from once im sober? no. i cant fucking do it. i dont even know what the hell im saying right now. ok. you fucking win. i am hurting. a lot. there it is. thats how i feel. and it will be worse once sobriety kicks in. because the "truth" will come out to play once again. fuck emotion. fuck love. fuck caring about people. fuck it all if this is the end result. take a chance, the end result? up shit creek, with no fucking paddle. row through the filth with my bare fucking hands, and a heart laid even more bare. its just a few chambers and valves anyways right? like a fuckin car engine? inanimate. unfeeling. unknowing. thats all it is right? a block of iron that moves our bodies through ilfe? unwavering. cracked by temperatures too hot or cold. occasionally blowing a seal to the dismay of its owner? what is the end result of a car thats service is too expensive? it doesnt get driven. it rusts and it dies. i wish that end upon the motor driving this worthless sack of shit through life. rust and die heart. your a fucking piece of shit. let me drag your sorry ass to the junkyard with the rest of the worlds rejected crap already. im done with you, hopefully nobody will salvage you from the trash heap. you are worthless heart. rust and fucking die.

delicate. (You Only Get One.)

Yet another night of alcohol fueled self-examination. this isnt even a fucking poem. i am not coherent enough to string together a poem or another pitiful attempt at a lame fucking song. this is emotion, raw and real. how i feel, and this... is the final foray into this heart of mine. i can no longer take exposing bits and pieces under the armor and being stabbed or poisoned, slashed or hacked, battered or bruised. if you arent in, your not getting in. if your out, your out. if you are in, you better watch your fuckin step because one slip and your gone. you have been warned.


so many song lyrics are popping into mind, however one sticks... ill share it at the end of my own drunk, stupid ramblings. i got burned again. those four words seem to cover it. but they dont. at all. tainted words forming pure promises. what to say? what to think? what to feel? i knew far better than to stick my toes in the pool lest i get sucked in. fallen victim to life and love's cruel trickery once again. in my darkest hour, a hand offered, to pull me from the mire in which i suffered alone. a breath i gasped before being cast down again, further again than previously experienced. dark thoughts surrounded by darker night. emotions now under lock and key. damaged at a point most vulnerable. stupid decisions, a wavering thought... worn proudly as scars of the heart. seen by none. pain worn by one. im listening to a few different songs on repeat... i really hope some of the writers will take this heat... i really was hesitant for a reason, yet no tears roll down my face. i am why im in this place. its my own damn fault. drink the pain away. drop by drop, alcohol in the system, blood out of the heart. drink it empty. drop by drop. it doesnt take as much as i thought, to drink the pain away. i dont even know what the fuck im saying anymore.





We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd ya sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

And why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
Why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

72

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

Alcohol Is The Mirror In Which I Gaze

Here I sit at the fire
Liquor's bitter flames warm my languid soul
Here I drink alone and remember
A graven life, the stain of her memory
In this cup, love's poison
For love is the poison of life
Tip the cup, feed the fire,
And forget about useless hope...

Lost in the desolation of love
The passions we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
This path that we walk...

Here's to love, the sickness
The great martyr of the soul
Here's to life, the vice
The great herald of misery
In this cup, spiritus frumenti
For this is the nectar of the spirit
Quench the thirst, drown the sorrow
And forget about cold yesterdays...

Lost in the desolation of love
The passions we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
This path that we walk...
Lost in the desolation of love
The sorrows we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
The path that we walk...

Easily Made a Fool (a tantelizing new blend, 50% original/50%unoriginal)

Yeah, I definitely did know better than to let myself think that for even one second...


'Cry at all that remains,
''Chosen words'' fail to sustain,
The wisdom, of powers heard,
In dismal thoughts seemingly absurd...'

I Love:

Getting shit on.


I will celebrate myself again
Naked dying, proud of what I am
I dream and invite my fading soul
Observing human sphere at all atone

Swanlike I turn away from your despair
Can't you see there's no beg for pardon
Swanlike I turn away from your despair
A noble heart forever dying

Under a fading lamp half dressed my brain
Idling on some compulsive remain
I towel my shaven jaw and stare
Riveted by a dark exhausted flair

Swanlike I turn away from your despair
Naked dying, proud of what I am
Swanlike I turn away from your despair
Idling on some compulsive remain

I look into my glass and view my wasting skin
And say "would God it came to pass"
My heard has shrunk as thin
For then I undistrest by hearts grown cold to me
Could lonely wait my endless rest with equanimity

For the time being I return
Now plainly in the mirror of my soul
I read that I have looked my last on youth
And little more for they are not made whole
That reach the age of fallen Christ

A silent flight takes me away
From this ignorant world
A final cry deep in that night
Swanlike I turn away

My inspiration
Burning flames; glistening sounds
Sapphire-dark and marrow-deep, silence around us

Under a fading moon
Will you ever be swanlike

Late Night Attempted Bar Visit

Turned great conversation... Damn 2am bar cutoff thankfully i had vodka in the fridge, couple shots of that after a sleepless night, maybe ill get some rest tonight... today... whatever the fuck it is...

"Tonight your soul sleeps, but one day you will feel real pain,
maybe then you will see me as I am,
A fragile wreck on a storm of emotion"

Countless times I trusted you,
I let you back in,
Knowing... Yearning... you know
I should have run... but I stayed

Maybe I always knew,
My fragile dreams would be broken for you.

Today I introduced myself,
To my own feelings,
In silent agony, after all these years,
They spoke to me... after all these years

Maybe I always knew...

Jah

I think I may have found my spiritual calling, the one that molests my own personal belief less than any of the others... It could be too soon to tell, and I will absolutely keep those of you out there in readerland posted as more develops, I've got more to look into on this subject. Stay tuned.



'Its full time for I and I to know ourselves, but hate had made us to forget, Jah didn't make us live like wild beasts, no more fightin, no more killin, let love and beauty abide'

Death Is Inspiring

When faced with death (as individuals, or a group) we are often inspired to create our most beautiful, insightful, and incredible works... I feel that we have come to realize and accept that, and as a brilliant example of such, Bob Marley, when faced with death by cancer, wrote this incredible piece that has helped many people and spread a fantastic message to those who want to here it.

Redemption Song:

Old pirates, yes, they rob i;
Sold I to the merchant ships,
Minutes after they took i
From the bottomless pit.
But my hand was made strong
By the and of the almighty.
We forward in this generation
Triumphantly.
Wont you help to sing
These songs of freedom? -
cause all I ever have:
Redemption songs;
Redemption songs.

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
cause none of them can stop the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look? ooh!
Some say its just a part of it:
Weve got to fulfil de book.

Wont you help to sing
These songs of freedom? -
cause all I ever have:
Redemption songs;
Redemption songs;
Redemption songs.
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our mind.
Wo! have no fear for atomic energy,
cause none of them-a can-a stop-a the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look?
Yes, some say its just a part of it:
Weve got to fulfil de book.
Wont you help to sing
Dese songs of freedom? -
cause all I ever had:
Redemption songs -
All I ever had:
Redemption songs:
These songs of freedom,
Songs of freedom.

weve got freedom. use it. cherish it.

Emotional Medley

yeah... so this packet is tearin me apart... i feel like such a sleezy piece of shit human being after filling this thing out... and tomorrow the monster and i part ways... wish me luck...

i dont know where im at this minute... i mean, im here, typing in my room... but emotionally, i feel like im in for a serious hurting in the near future... its what my past held, and i cant help but feel like thats what my future holds as well... messy to say the least... what to do? what to think? what to say? how to act?

:unoriginal thought:
Through the bleak window of my soul
In marble halls of falling snow
Winter touch the Earth undone
Embittered we embrace the funerals to come
:end unoriginal thought: