My Walk Out of Hell Part 2

Just walk. Walk. Hesitation is not an option. One foot after the other, yard by yard, foot by foot, inch by inch. Move forward. Always move forward. Head up, eyes open. What though does it mean to have open eyes? Those windows to the soul, receptors of all things visual. So then, how is it possible that I've been so blind while walking through life eyes wide open? My soul, gazing through open windows, reflecting upon my true inner self sees something slightly mystiftying. Why do I see myself as such an evil person? Why do I so easily and willingly condemn myself? This eighth circle I trudge through contains those willingly treacherous... I am not so. Occasionally a bit of a jerk, sure, but why do I force myself to dwell here? Why do I so intently punish myself as someone who doesn't care about others? I must come to terms with the fact that I am a compassionate and caring human being. That occasionally means putting myself on the line, and occasionally taking risks for others. Moving forward. Always forward. Keep marching. That isn't a treacherous thing to do at all. Move forward, realize, understand, and move forward. I continue onward. More from my journey later.

My Walk Out Of Hell Part 1.

This, is the end result of several nights of painful self realization. I am just going to flow with this writing, and eventually, i hope to publish some of these vanity press style and hand a few copies out to close friends who have helped with all of this madness... Anyways, here we go:

Nine circles create the pit of self propagated hell i have been living. Despair, agony, depression, hatred, self loathing, the list is a long one. where do i begin? where do i go from here? my body begins the trek, pleading, urging, prodding and begging my soul to walk those charred, crumbling steps out of this self created hell. satan, sits in the very bottom. a long time friend. a long time foe. he doesnt seem too terribly thrilled about me leaving. strong claws, grip, in an ironically icy grasp, my arm. for all the heat in this place, that bastards got a cold grip. it makes sense though, if you think about it, for he is the one truly heartless. for if i was truly heartless myself, then i as well would be so cold. i break away. i need this in my existence no longer. i must free myself of this demon, and the many others blocking my path to the gate. I trudge across this, lowest circle of hell... it is easy to walk around... i have even, temporarily removed myself from this lowest pit, only to find myself in one of the higher ones... to hit a bump and slide back down. how now, do i reach the gate, open it and walk out into the light? i start the ascent.


:aside: and a quote "misery is too self absorbed to want much company" :end aside:

Pulled Under at 2000 Meters a Second

Just freedom is only a hallucination
That waits at the edge of the distant horizon
And we are all strangers in global illusion
Wanting and needing impossible heaven

Chasing the dream as they swim out to sea
The mirage ahead says that they can be free
Become lost in delusion drowning their reason
Swept on by the current of selfish ambition

Frightened ashamed and afraid of the blame
The questions are screaming the answers are hiding
The sickness is growing distracted condition
You can feel the disgust and smell the confusion

Lying insane getting soaked in the rain
Draining the sky of the guilt and the shame
The nightmare is coming the clouds are descending
Pulled under two thousand metres a second

Clawing at walls that just slip through my fingers
Darkness consuming collapsing and breaking
Distilled paranoia seeped into the walls
And filled in the cracks with the whispering calls

Shadows are forming take heed of the warnings
Creeping around at four in the morning
Lie to myself start a brand new beginning
But I'm losing my time in this fear of living

Freedom is only a hallucination
That waits at the edge of the places you go when you dream
Deep in the reason betrayal of feeling
The mistakes that I made tore my conscience apart at the seems

Freedom is only a hallucination
That waits at the edge of the places you go when you dream...

Freedom is only a hallucination
That waits at the edge of the places you go when you dream
Deep in the reason betrayal of feeling
The mistakes that I made tore my conscience apart at the seems

Freedom is only a hallucination
That waits at the edge of the places you go when you dream...

The night I almost died...

Last night in a drunken conversation I stumbled accross an old memory, of the night I damn near died. It was the best sleep I have ever had.

I Love This Song

The water pours its embracing arms around the stone
Decay drips from the unquiet void where the ice forms, where life ends
The stone is by the crimson flood, swallowed
The red tide beyond the ebon wound, contorted
My sacrifice bids farewell in this river of memory... a wave to end all time
Red birds escape from my wounds and return as falling snow
To sweep the landscape; a wind haunted, wings without bodies
The snow, the bitter snowfall
You wish to die in her pale arms, crystalline, to become an ode to silence
In the soul of a mountain of birds, fallen
The cascading pallor of ghostless feather
The snow has fallen and raised this white mountain on which you will die and fade away in silence

Tonight's Music

Who could call my name without regretting
Who could see beyond this my darkness
And for once save their own prayers
Who could mirror down just a little of their sun

How could this go so very wrong
That I must depend on darkness
Would anyone follow me further down
How could this go so very far that I need someone to say
What is wrong
Not with the world but with me

Who could call my name without regretting
Who could promise to never destroy me
Tonight my head is full of wishes
and everything I drink is full of her

And today...

I feel nothing... Simply drifting. Simply existing. Simply breathing.