I can't help but feel

That I fucked up. I wouldn't be here if I didn't say what I said. If I hadn't acted the way I did. I wish I could take it back. I am extremely pissed at myself about all of this because as they say, hindsight is 20/20... My hindsight is clear as a fuckin bell, especially on this particular issue. Me and my stupid fuckin brain/mouth/me.

I am.

Flavor of the fuckin month. Do not be so foolish as to assume this is for or about you. Its for me. I do not comprehend love, and will be the first to admit that. I do not comprehend the 'spark' or the 'feeling.' I do not understand those who think love or even strong feelings occur quickly or painlessly.

Love, as I've lived it, breathed it, felt it, and enjoyed it, is a long arduous process, not immediate or quick, or even necessarily painless and enjoyable. Love is dirty. Love is messy. Love takes time. I find myself writing yet another of these, knowing that this possibility has been snuffed short yet again, life squeezed from it. Why are people so scared of getting hurt so fickle and quick to harm others?

I have one time in my life, intentionally left another human being, for nothing short of extreme glaring issues with this person and her personality. I have, and always will give anyone else the benefit of the doubt, and every possible opportunity to show me what could be. You can't learn that person well enough over course of a month to know if they're for you or not. It doesn't happen. You cannot remain closed off to another individual and be surprised that you do not feel strongly for them.

How can you possibly love someone who doesnt know you? How can someone who doesn't know you possibly love you? It will not happen, and it will never work. You sometimes must give someone the benefit of the doubt and take it on blind faith that something beautiful can result. Had I backed away from two people I had zero in common with, I would have missed on countless incredible experiences, and been cheated of many beautiful moments, memories and experiences. Give someone the benefit of the doubt. Love takes time, they might surprise you.

For two incredible friends

This is for two extraordinary people who've been there for me, without question, unwavering in their loyalty, their support, and faith in me as a person. i have known both of you for quite a while, and we have been through a lot together, collectively and otherwise. Never has judgement been passed, never have my issues, questions or fears fallen on deaf ears. These two have shared memories, great and small, and will always hold a place in my heart. I sincerely hope they will be a part of my life until the day I die, and I very much wish them to be the extra 'aunt and uncle' of my kids, and I the 'crazy uncle who really doesn't belong to the family but is anyway' to theirs... I hope very much, for many more memories, new years, birthdays, Christmases, and good times to share with the both of you... Kelsey, Mike, I wish you both the best of luck, I love you guys, individually and together... You are amazing and two of my closest friends. Thank you for everything.

For two incredible friends

This is for two extraordinary people who've been there for me, without question, unwavering in their loyalty, their support, and faith in me as a person. i have known both of you for quite a while, and we have been through a lot together, collectively and otherwise. Never has judgement been passed, never have my issues, questions or fears fallen on deaf ears. These two have shared memories, great and small, and will always hold a place in my heart. I sincerely hope they will be a part of my life until the day I die, and I very much wish them to be the extra 'aunt and uncle' of my kids, and I the 'crazy uncle who really doesn't belong to the family but is anyway' to theirs... I hope very much, for many more memories, new years, birthdays, Christmases, and good times to share with the both of you... Kelsey, Mike, I wish you both the best of luck, I love you guys, individually and together... You are amazing and two of my closest friends. Thank you for everything.

Hey!!

YOU!!! IN READERLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







IM IN A GOOD GODDAMN MOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love it.

Run through forests on a hot Summer day
Trying to break down walls of numbing pain

Give me the freedom to destroy
Give me radioactive toy

Taste the water from a stream of running death
Eat the apple and cough a dying breath

Feel the sun burning through your black skin
Pour me into a hole, inform my next of kin

Run through graveyards on a dusty Winter day
Spit the dirt out and try to say...

TOOL